One of the biggest difficulties facing this great nation is the state of the economy. Sure, the Dow closed above 13,000 for the first time since before the Great Recession, but there’s no indication that the market is going to turn around completely. One of the things that needs to happen before consumer confidence goes up again is that we need to solve the unemployment problem. This has been as issue that has stumped most of our great economists and our President has enacted legislature to help with this issue to little effect. So, how are we supposed to fix this? The answer may have been right under our nose the whole time. My friends…we need more natural disasters.
With all the good jobs going overseas and companies too cost-wary to hire new people, employment is at a standstill. We need to find ways to create jobs on our home soil for the American worker. But, how are natural disasters supposed to help our economy? Because every natural disaster comes with a plethora of jobs dedicated to cleaning up after said disaster. Reconstruction for areas affected by natural and man-made disasters are gold mines for job-seeking men and women. Take New Orleans for instance. After a slight uptick in unemployment directly after Hurricane Katrina, the region saw unemployment around 3% before the housing bubble burst. The faulty levee system has forced New Orleans to rethink their energy systems, and as a result, they are a leader in clean energy programs which employ around 6,000 jobs for the region. Man made disasters are a great opportunity as well. British Petroleum lent their hand as great job innovators by creating around 20,000 jobs in the New Orleans area alone, with another 500-4000 in Florida, by putting a little bit of oil in the Gulf for the local people to clean up. Great disasters just always seem to come with great job opportunities. And don’t you worry about those environmental effects, BP CEO Tony Hayward insists that he’s sorry. (Really, really sorry)
Now, I know what you’re thinking. This is dangerous. How can we be expected to control these disasters? Katrina alone killed 1800 people. For solutions to these problems, we look to our friends to the East. China has been leading the way in weather control systems for years now. The Chinese government has a system called “cloud-seeding” in which they shoot projectiles, such as rocket launchers, into the clouds with a chemical called silver iodide that can be used to induce rain and other weather patterns. China was able to produce almost 50 billion tons of artificial rain this way. If we were to develop a way to launch enough of these suckers, I’m sure that the US could create a system for making little hurricanes and tornadoes just big enough to cause a little damage, but small enough to not hurt anybody. By controlling the weather patterns, we keep the local people safe while creating jobs. At the very least, getting this technology out of Communist hands and into our own can be chalked up as a W for the good ol’ US of A. And we always have oil spills as a safety valve.
So, let’s keep this going America. We’ve been brutal enough to our environment that we’ve had a couple of natural disasters pop up on their own, but let’s give Mother Nature a breather and take this into our own hands. Jobs just don’t create themselves. And we can’t keep factories in the US anyways. I can’t be expected to pay an extra $50 on my new iPad 3 by having the components made in a US factory at an extra $8 an hour. Plus, who really wants to work at an assembly line anyways? By 2020, the newest job trend will be shooting rocket launchers filled with chemicals into the sky and cleaning up whatever presents rain down from the heavens afterwards. Mark my words.